You know that feeling when everything is going wrong and you tell someone you trust about it? That hope deep inside you that they'll cheer you up, make you feel better, especial, and intelligent despite that everything seems going straight into a shithole? It almost feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes, venting your lows so you can get high on compliments and support. I've been familiar with that feeling probably even before I ever went into high school. "I'm going to fail" while everyone else knew you'd get an A. Perhaps at the beginning I didn't realize how annoying it was for everyone to hear me complaining about everything which at least for them must have seemed pretty ok. I still have a sickening memory about me crying at a friend's house. My dad had told me he was taking away my almost brand new jetta and giving me a second hand chevy. I studied in a private school so to cut to the chase I felt embarrassed and I just didn't want it to happen. My friend, whose family consisted of her single mother and her brother, didn't own a car. I was crying and she was actually trying to make me feel better, she didn't judge me, she told me how hard it was for her to go to a private school when money was so tight in her house. I felt a special connection with her and I felt relieved to have her. She probably felt close to me as well at that moment, maybe she went to bed thinking that I wasn't the greatest person on earth but that she cared about me. She probably went to school thinking she'd try to support me despite the fact she had arrived walking and I was still going to have a car, but when she arrived and I gave her the news that my dad was just trying to hide the fact that he had actually bought me a new car. My very own car, a beige New Beetle which I had wanted for a while and which by next morning I had already decorated with a big pink flower which fitted perfectly in the vase next to the stirring wheel.
As much as that memory revolts me I have to confess that the past... lets say couple of weeks I've gotten to know a different side of everyone around me. Complains about how everything seems wrong, talking about my anxiety and fears, are now followed by words that support that reality. A reality that I was trying to hide from and as soon as someone supports those statements you've made you realize this time is different. This time you might actually just fail, this time you're actually screwing it up and hearing it from the people you love just feels like a fucking kick in the nuts.
At least having told you my story with my friend and the car makes it almost feel like payback for being such a whiny little bitch most of my life. Worse part is that I don't even want to do anything about it. This time I just feel like "fuck it". I mean I seriously don't picture myself doing anything else other than what I'm doing and yet I don't feel like doing what I'm doing. I feel so full of hate. I hate everything I do, I hate everyone around me and I obviously just hate myself. I hate everything... and everything is going wrong this time. Great.
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Graduate school
I always thought graduate students were stupid. As an undergraduate I had pretty good grades, managed my time to eat, sleeps, study, go to class and workout at least three times a week. All the graduate students complaining about how hard it was and not progressing in their projects, talking to all the problems they had with their supervisors, well, I thought they were just plainly dumb. I thought that once I got into graduate school I would shine like a star. I would show them how great I was. I was willing to put in long hours so I was sure I was going to get results, I was going to get along with my supervisor, shortly, I was going to be envied by everyone. Before I started m program I even thought about reviewing all the articles from the professor I was about to start working with (probably still a great idea and a necessary thing to do), I even went as as far as to thinking about writing a short review about the project that could perhaps get published at my arrival (Ha - Ha). Reality hit in quite soon on that one, as I spent my last summer watching America's Next Top Model: British Invasion. I didn't worry. After all, that was my last summer. Once I got to my new university things would be different.
I had already met my advisor prior to starting grad school. I had done a year an a half exchange (total) to what's now my current university and I had her as a prof on my first year and when I came back for an additional term I worked in her lab as an undergrad. She complimented how good of a student I was and the great progress I had in the lab. She looked like everything I wanted to become. She was always dressed up for the lab, came in to her office at around 7am including weekends, had made what appeared to be lots of money after having worked in industry, drove a fancy car and was a bit of a bitch with everyone. Soon I realized she was really a bitch with EVERYONE, including myself of course. But I'll save that story for later. In summary I only stayed a total of one year in her lab before I decided to change advisor. Once I made that decision and went on with all the paper work, I thought that it was finally my time to shine! After all, everything had been so horrible in the previous lab because of her. It was all her fault. She was crazy. How could I even do anything having her as a supervisor? It was a miracle I was still in the program.
Well surprise, surprise, at least to me. It's been 8 months since I changed and now reality slaps my face even harder than ever. It wasn't the supervisor, or the project, or pretty much anything else except me. I was incompetent and I feel incompetent because, well, I am incompetent. I never thought about the emotional burden that being a grad student implies. I feel shattered. I made a complete fool of myself in my last group meeting by showing a half assed presentation about my last minute experiments. Because I knew I had to give this presentation I hadn't been studying for my class as much and my A's soon became C's. I wasn't even enjoying "my time off". My imom had come to visit and she wanted me to spend time with her. My boyfriend wanted to see me as well. Both of them being reasonable demands, but for me they just felt like a burden. I personally wanted to work out and rest because for some reason I was exhausted at the end of every single day. I wasn't reading literature, to be honest I'm not reading anything at all. I procrastinate when I'm supposed to study. I've been going out on skiing trips during the weekends, because I feel they are "well deserved" and I just wouldn't want to burn out. I arrive late to the lab and leave early. I look too much at my phone while in the office and receive one too many personal calls while at work. I am stupid. Despite of how smart I could think of myself I just know I am doing it all wrong and the results I'm getting are basically pity from everyone and everyone thinking of me as an idiot, but what else could I expect. I feel devastated. People around me keep on suggesting to "just change", study more, focus more, blahblahblah but I felt exactly as being constipated. I really want to do something, I want to work for it, put lots of effort into it, but then nothing, just nothing, no poop after pushing and pushing. Worse part is that all of this is public to everyone, my misery, my incompetence. It's not like its just you and your advisor and perhaps one other grad student that see you go through all of this. It's your professors, it's your colleagues and lab mates, research assistants, family, friends, you name it. You're no longer just judged by a couple of letters in your transcript, you're now judged for being you. From how much you know (which makes perfect sense) to until what time you stay in the lab, how long do you take for lunch, everything you do while being in the office and while being out of it! Most people tell me "you shouldn't care about what others think about you". Great advise. Except that you're actually living with this people. Somehow, looking at their stupid faces everyday and their advice and their gossip about you, it just gets to you. It's people you didn't choose to be placed with, because you never chose who your adviser chose as their student, you only chose your adviser, so despite the fact you hate them they become your family. Best part is that everyone feels about me exactly as I felt about graduate students before, just plainly dumb.
It's been an hour since I started ranting in here. I need to get back to work. I'm not sure if this will help anyone or if there's anyone in a similar situation but my gosh does it feel good just to vent out. Just in conclusion, I do feel that I'm stupid due to the choices I make about managing my time. This makes me feel miserable because it's dissonant with the self image I had of my self and with all the expectations I had. "Good thing is", I still have 3-5 years to make things right, and at least that something...
I had already met my advisor prior to starting grad school. I had done a year an a half exchange (total) to what's now my current university and I had her as a prof on my first year and when I came back for an additional term I worked in her lab as an undergrad. She complimented how good of a student I was and the great progress I had in the lab. She looked like everything I wanted to become. She was always dressed up for the lab, came in to her office at around 7am including weekends, had made what appeared to be lots of money after having worked in industry, drove a fancy car and was a bit of a bitch with everyone. Soon I realized she was really a bitch with EVERYONE, including myself of course. But I'll save that story for later. In summary I only stayed a total of one year in her lab before I decided to change advisor. Once I made that decision and went on with all the paper work, I thought that it was finally my time to shine! After all, everything had been so horrible in the previous lab because of her. It was all her fault. She was crazy. How could I even do anything having her as a supervisor? It was a miracle I was still in the program.
Well surprise, surprise, at least to me. It's been 8 months since I changed and now reality slaps my face even harder than ever. It wasn't the supervisor, or the project, or pretty much anything else except me. I was incompetent and I feel incompetent because, well, I am incompetent. I never thought about the emotional burden that being a grad student implies. I feel shattered. I made a complete fool of myself in my last group meeting by showing a half assed presentation about my last minute experiments. Because I knew I had to give this presentation I hadn't been studying for my class as much and my A's soon became C's. I wasn't even enjoying "my time off". My imom had come to visit and she wanted me to spend time with her. My boyfriend wanted to see me as well. Both of them being reasonable demands, but for me they just felt like a burden. I personally wanted to work out and rest because for some reason I was exhausted at the end of every single day. I wasn't reading literature, to be honest I'm not reading anything at all. I procrastinate when I'm supposed to study. I've been going out on skiing trips during the weekends, because I feel they are "well deserved" and I just wouldn't want to burn out. I arrive late to the lab and leave early. I look too much at my phone while in the office and receive one too many personal calls while at work. I am stupid. Despite of how smart I could think of myself I just know I am doing it all wrong and the results I'm getting are basically pity from everyone and everyone thinking of me as an idiot, but what else could I expect. I feel devastated. People around me keep on suggesting to "just change", study more, focus more, blahblahblah but I felt exactly as being constipated. I really want to do something, I want to work for it, put lots of effort into it, but then nothing, just nothing, no poop after pushing and pushing. Worse part is that all of this is public to everyone, my misery, my incompetence. It's not like its just you and your advisor and perhaps one other grad student that see you go through all of this. It's your professors, it's your colleagues and lab mates, research assistants, family, friends, you name it. You're no longer just judged by a couple of letters in your transcript, you're now judged for being you. From how much you know (which makes perfect sense) to until what time you stay in the lab, how long do you take for lunch, everything you do while being in the office and while being out of it! Most people tell me "you shouldn't care about what others think about you". Great advise. Except that you're actually living with this people. Somehow, looking at their stupid faces everyday and their advice and their gossip about you, it just gets to you. It's people you didn't choose to be placed with, because you never chose who your adviser chose as their student, you only chose your adviser, so despite the fact you hate them they become your family. Best part is that everyone feels about me exactly as I felt about graduate students before, just plainly dumb.
It's been an hour since I started ranting in here. I need to get back to work. I'm not sure if this will help anyone or if there's anyone in a similar situation but my gosh does it feel good just to vent out. Just in conclusion, I do feel that I'm stupid due to the choices I make about managing my time. This makes me feel miserable because it's dissonant with the self image I had of my self and with all the expectations I had. "Good thing is", I still have 3-5 years to make things right, and at least that something...
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