Convincing Myself I'm Alright

I originally wanted to write a post in which I convinced myself that I was dumb. The reason I wanted to do this was because I thought that all this pain I was experimenting came from considering myself to be smart, thus if I was able to convince myself of being dumb, there would no longer be a dissonance between what I think of myself and what is currently happening in my life. 

I started reading a great book just a couple days ago "Mistakes were made (but not by me)" written by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. It is a fantastic book about cognitive dissonance. In a few words, we never regard whatever we're doing as stupid because we've found a way to justify it. Regardless of how dumb it looks to everyone, or how dumb it really is, we think we are right because we've mentally ran through all the possibilities in order to take the "best" decision. I thought it was all great until there was a part that got to me. Cognitive dissonance might also work the other way. If we start believing we're dumb, we'll start justifying everything around us that way, we'll also start distorting reality in order for everything to fit into our vision of ourselves. They give a great example about a woman who has a low self-esteem  and believes that she is unlovable. Then of course, she meets Mr. Right, he starts getting serious and she feels pleased for a while, until the dissonance hits. She will wonder what is it that he sees in her, she'll believe he's not in love with her but rather with an erroneous idea of her and as soon as he gets to know the real her, he'll dump her. That way, unlovable restores consonance in her brain. Right after that, the paragraph that made me realize that perhaps I don't think of myself as this bright scientist but rather as of what I REALLY think of myself, was the following:

"...Most people who have low self-esteem or a low estimate of their abilities do feel uncomfortable with their dissonant success and dismiss them as accidents or anomalies. This is why they seem so stubborn to friends and family who try to cheer them up. "Look you just won the Pulitzer Price for literature! Doesn't that mean you're good?" 'Yeah, it's nice, but just a fluke. I'll never be able to write another work, you'll see." Self-justification, therefore is not only about protecting high self-esteem: it's also about protecting low self-esteem if that is how a person sees himself."

I've always been told or I should say, I've always believed that talking about my success might make people envious and generate negative thoughts, thus talking about my success was a bad thing, something dirty and selfish. I never thought that it would end in my self-esteem being down by the floors. So I'm going to talk about myself in the best way I can, trying to convince myself things are Ok and that I will make it through because I'm a capable human being. But of course, since it's a little bit weird, I might just write it in a weird way.

She was good looking, despite of all the flaws she managed to find in herself. That's why every time she was walking and people would stare at her she would feel so uncomfortable, she thought they were mocking her, looking at her flaws. But that wasn't true and she knew it, because despite of what she told herself in front of the mirror, sometimes when she wasn't paying attention and she had an unexpected glance at her reflection, she would get herself surprised about how pretty she was. Of course she always found a way to justify it, "it's just all the make-up I'm wearing, just the way I did my hair today, just the fact that my thoughts are nice and nice thoughts always get reflected inside-out". However, I am beautiful and I shouldn't feel bad about it. I am allowed to be beautiful and I don't need to justify it to me or to anyone.

She was in grad school, fast track PhD in science, chemistry to be exact. She was convinced she got into the program out of luck, because she had been an exchange student there and her grades the second and third terms were really good, showing that she could make it despite the fact that she had a rough beginning. But of course, the admission committee was unaware of how easy those 2nd and 3rd term courses were.  She had somehow managed to convince herself of this. She had read a book about impostor's syndrome but it wasn't really good at helping her solve her problem.  However, I am in a competitive program and I got in it because I am smart and I have all the qualities that candidates require to accomplish it. I am intelligent, I have good achievements, I can learn and I do it because I want to do it.

Lately that hadn't been as much of the problem as the fact that she had changed advisors and that was something really hard to do. It felt to her like backstabbing, but it wasn't. It was a good choice and she should feel happy she made it because she wouldn't have been able to stay much longer with her other boss. It didn't matter whether things were working or not before or whether they are working now. She is intelligent, she will find a way. It is true that it might seem to her as if she wasn't doing enough, but she was doing what was right for her at that time and that is perfect. It is true, she was doing great work and learning at her own pace. Not only about chemistry but also about time managing and ego, about dealing with other people in an office and administering her own house. She was a successful adult, I am a successful adult and I deserve to be happy, I deserve to enjoy what I'm doing because it's ok, if  I don't I only harm myself. It's ok to be me and go at my own pace, enjoying any results that arise and standing up to other situations that might not be as pleasant. I am here to learn, and I know that if a 5 year old, or 10 or 15 year old, even a 20 year old me saw myself today, not knowing it was myself, I would be proud and I would be inspired, I would want to be like her because that's what I was working to become after all, and I am happy for myself, I just need to make sure I don't forget.  

Graduate school

I always thought graduate students were stupid. As an undergraduate I had pretty good grades, managed my time to eat, sleeps, study, go to class and workout at least three times a week. All the graduate students complaining about how hard it was and not progressing in their projects, talking to all the problems they had with their supervisors, well, I thought they were just plainly dumb. I thought that once I got into graduate school I would shine like a star. I would show them how great I was. I was willing to put in long hours so I was sure I was going to get results, I was going to get along with my supervisor, shortly, I was going to be envied by everyone. Before I started m program I even thought about reviewing all the articles from the professor I was about to start working with (probably still a great idea and a necessary thing to do), I even went as as far as to thinking about writing a short review about the project that could perhaps get published at my arrival (Ha - Ha). Reality hit in quite soon on that one, as I spent my last summer watching America's Next Top Model: British Invasion. I didn't worry. After all, that was my last summer. Once I got to my new university things would be different.

I had already met my advisor prior to starting grad school. I had done a year an a half exchange (total) to what's now my current university and I had her as a prof on my first year and when I came back for an additional term I worked in her lab as an undergrad. She complimented how good of a student I was and the great progress I had in the lab. She looked like everything I wanted to become. She was always dressed up for the lab, came in to her office at around 7am including weekends, had made what appeared to be lots of money after having worked in industry, drove a fancy car and was a bit of a bitch with everyone. Soon I realized she was really a bitch with EVERYONE, including myself of course. But I'll save that story for later. In summary I only stayed a total of one year in her lab before I decided to change advisor. Once I made that decision and went on with all the paper work, I thought that it was finally my time to shine! After all, everything had been so horrible in the previous lab because of her. It was all her fault. She was crazy. How could I even do anything having her as a supervisor? It was a miracle I was still in the program.

Well surprise, surprise, at least to me. It's been 8 months since I changed and now reality slaps my face even harder than ever. It wasn't the supervisor, or the project, or pretty much anything else except me. I was incompetent and I feel incompetent because, well, I am incompetent. I never thought about the emotional burden that being a grad student implies. I feel shattered. I made a complete fool of myself in my last group meeting by showing a half assed presentation about my last minute experiments. Because I knew I had to give this presentation I hadn't been studying for my class as much and my A's soon became C's. I wasn't even enjoying "my time off". My imom had come to visit and she wanted me to spend time with her. My boyfriend wanted to see me as well. Both of them being reasonable demands, but for me they just felt like a burden. I personally wanted to work out and rest because for some reason I was exhausted at the end of every single day. I wasn't reading literature, to be honest I'm not reading anything at all. I procrastinate when I'm supposed to study. I've been going out on skiing trips during the weekends, because I feel they are "well deserved" and I just wouldn't want to burn out. I arrive late to the lab and leave early. I look too much at my phone while in the office and receive one too many personal calls while at work. I am stupid. Despite of how smart I could think of myself I just know I am doing it all wrong and the results I'm getting are basically pity from everyone and everyone thinking of me as an idiot, but what else could I expect. I feel devastated. People around me keep on suggesting to "just change", study more, focus more, blahblahblah but I felt exactly as being constipated. I really want to do something, I want to work for it, put lots of effort into it, but then nothing, just nothing, no poop after pushing and pushing. Worse part is that all of this is public to everyone, my misery, my incompetence. It's not like its just you and your advisor and perhaps one other grad student that see you go through all of this. It's your professors, it's your colleagues and lab mates, research assistants, family, friends, you name it. You're no longer just judged by a couple of letters in your transcript, you're now judged for being you. From how much you know (which makes perfect sense) to until what time you stay in the lab, how long do you take for lunch, everything you do while being in the office and while being out of it! Most people tell me "you shouldn't care about what others think about you". Great advise. Except that you're actually living with this people. Somehow, looking at their stupid faces everyday and their advice and their gossip about you, it just gets to you. It's people you didn't choose to be placed with, because you never chose who your adviser chose as their student, you only chose your adviser, so despite the fact you hate them they become your family. Best part is that everyone feels about me exactly as I felt about graduate students before, just plainly dumb.

It's been an hour since I started ranting in here. I need to get back to work. I'm not sure if this will help anyone or if there's anyone in a similar situation but my gosh does it feel good just to vent out. Just in conclusion, I do feel that I'm stupid due to the choices I make about managing my time. This makes me feel miserable because it's dissonant with the self image I had of my self and with all the expectations I had. "Good thing is", I still have 3-5 years to make things right, and at least that something...

Mommy, mommy

Crying in the office is perhaps the most painful thing that can happen while at work. This time I just couldn't help it. My eyes started watering after my face lit up red like a light bulb. I wanted to scream and cry louder, bang my head agains my desk, tell everyone I hated them and break their things.

People are assholes. Pretending not to see you while sinultaneously walking by just to get a peek of the show. Fucking assholes. I hated them all and I couldn't help but to be miserable and weak in front of them all. 

I smelled like ham and looked like an idiot. I was disgusted of myself. I wanted to hide and be alone but my mom was in town so I literally had no where to go to be alone. That's why I went to the gym. Perhaps people coups mistake my tears with sweat and my face was prone to getting red anyway. 

I felt stupid. I knew that people around me thought of me as an idiot. I hated everyone, I wanted to be alone and the best I came up with was coming to the fucking gym. 

In my tantrum at the office I got compassive word from two others, my boss and someone I thought I hated but now I just disliked. "Don't be upset" "it's hard to manage your time. This is normal, we all go trough that". 

I feel disgusting. If only I could be good at something. Fuck if only I could just do fucking nothing and be happy with it. I wanted everyone to fail, as if their misery would become my victory. I wanted to see everyone defeated, as if that would renew my dreams and hopes. I knew I was stupid, at the truth is that was the hardest part to deal with.