You know that feeling when everything is going wrong and you tell someone you trust about it? That hope deep inside you that they'll cheer you up, make you feel better, especial, and intelligent despite that everything seems going straight into a shithole? It almost feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes, venting your lows so you can get high on compliments and support. I've been familiar with that feeling probably even before I ever went into high school. "I'm going to fail" while everyone else knew you'd get an A. Perhaps at the beginning I didn't realize how annoying it was for everyone to hear me complaining about everything which at least for them must have seemed pretty ok. I still have a sickening memory about me crying at a friend's house. My dad had told me he was taking away my almost brand new jetta and giving me a second hand chevy. I studied in a private school so to cut to the chase I felt embarrassed and I just didn't want it to happen. My friend, whose family consisted of her single mother and her brother, didn't own a car. I was crying and she was actually trying to make me feel better, she didn't judge me, she told me how hard it was for her to go to a private school when money was so tight in her house. I felt a special connection with her and I felt relieved to have her. She probably felt close to me as well at that moment, maybe she went to bed thinking that I wasn't the greatest person on earth but that she cared about me. She probably went to school thinking she'd try to support me despite the fact she had arrived walking and I was still going to have a car, but when she arrived and I gave her the news that my dad was just trying to hide the fact that he had actually bought me a new car. My very own car, a beige New Beetle which I had wanted for a while and which by next morning I had already decorated with a big pink flower which fitted perfectly in the vase next to the stirring wheel.

As much as that memory revolts me I have to confess that the past... lets say couple of weeks I've gotten to know a different side of everyone around me. Complains about how everything seems wrong, talking about my anxiety and fears, are now followed by words that support that reality. A reality that I was trying to hide from and as soon as someone supports those statements you've made you realize this time is different. This time you might actually just fail, this time you're actually screwing it up and hearing it from the people you love just feels like a fucking kick in the nuts.

At least having told you my story with my friend and the car makes it almost feel like payback for being such a whiny little bitch most of my life. Worse part is that I don't even want to do anything about it. This time I just feel like "fuck it". I mean I seriously don't picture myself doing anything else other than what I'm doing and yet I don't feel like doing what I'm doing. I feel so full of hate. I hate everything I do, I hate everyone around me and I obviously just hate myself. I hate everything... and everything is going wrong this time. Great.