The game

I didn't feel like being there. I didn't want to be seen, judged, bothered. I didn't want to hear their voices giggling from the other side of the office. I was tired from their boring faces and usual complaints. I didn't want to put in the effort to appear happy, productive, overall an average person. 

I was tired. I was tired from everyone's expectations of me. I was tired of my own expectations about myself and school and life and the future. I was tired of being in love of an illusion of someone,  just to find out that I didn't love them after all, just the idea I had generated of them in my head. 

My office was surrounded by glass panels and desks. Not even the slightest hint of privacy there. Not even to hide my face in between my arms and shed some tears if I needed to. I had tried talking to someone about this. About these feelings. He just tapped my arm as if I were something that needed to be pitied. He laughed at the way I was trying to show despair. 

After all, what was I doing about this? I wasn't leaving. I wasn't even trying to ignore the whole thing. Sometimes I just got overwhelmed by these feelings and they stayed in my head, haunting me for days. I felt I didn't know anything. I felt my opinions were wrong. I was convinced of my lack of knowledge would be eventually found out. To be honest, I didn't know what I was doing. I was just trying to play along, pretending I belonged. 

Don't come bullshiting me saying that's just the good old impostor syndrome. Don't come telling me that perhaps all I needed was just someone to talk to. Some days I'm just so tired of people and I can't withstand them, I just can't. But at the end I actually could. After all I came back everyday, making my expectations higher and higher: today I'll get my work done, today I'll show everyone what I'm worth. Fuck off, I'm tired of this stupid game. I'm tired of having to sit down and listen to people complain, listen to myself complain. 

If I am what my thoughts are, then my smile is nothing but a scar on my face. I don't want to be my thoughts, brcause that's just terrifying. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy and loved and tolerant with others and funny and pretty and smart...At least that's what I think. The only problem is that I can't be all of that for everyone, because everyone'sperspectives of those ideals are not even synchronized. I had to stop measuring myself up because it was killing me. But how else was I supposed to know my self worth? Tell me whatever you want, but it's hard not to care about what others say, think, do. I cared! I had to see their faces everyday. 

Somehow something changed all of the sudden. Someone walked by, ignoring me and at that time it all felt right. As if it were all just in my head. After all, it was all just in my head. Suddenly my breath became calm again and I felt ready. Ready to start playing the whole game again.