Control

Sometimes I just lose control. It starts as a stupid complain in my head, a small thing that doesn't even bother me but I feel I need to exaggerate it in order to show how there's something bothering me. That's when I lose control and everything happens so fast. The mood swings. From neutral to angry, from angry to sad, from sad to disgusting. I hate it, and the more I hate it the worse it becomes. I feel stupid, defeated, I feel I'm in a never ending loop that I've created myself. I feel disgusting. I hate myself. I consider suicide, I laugh at myself because I there's not even a good enough motif. I feel defeated, disgusting. I wish I could be the best at something. I realize it's only because I crave attention. I want to be needed, I want to be the one. I hate myself, I feel stupid. I don't even know what to do. I don't want to go home. I want to hide ten feet under ground and come out only when I've calmed down. I want to scream to certain people, I want to be left alone. I want to study and exercise and eat less. I just feel disgusting.